It is safe to say that this is the most difficult December I have ever had; just as I would normally be winding down, a time when I would normally be writing clever messages on cards and in the safety of my room with the heat and the cats and lights and paper everywhere, and I in the middle of it all, wrapped up in the feeling – maybe one that has lost the anticipation of Christmas in childhood, but exchanged it (fairly, I think) for the warmth and significance of Christmas as an adult, where you get to think of gifts that are really meaningful. But this year I had a really silly Christmas, in the middle of nonstop planning and working and building and rehearsing for this festival that we’re doing, sucked up into the storm, barely able to see my way out. I talked via Skype with the family on Christmas morning, but of course could not convey exactly how and why I missed them so much. I’ve never had a December like this, never one that was so exhausting and confusing at the same time. We have a festival going on right now, which involves a series of events and then a grand finale show that is now taking up all (and more) of my time and energy. But in the bigger picture, and in ways that I cannot fully explain, I feel tired and muddled and mixed up, caught in a situation which I can neither clearly respond to nor easily escape from. And of course I’ve grown stronger in the process. Whatever that means. But strength as an afterthought is not feeling like a really helpful thing right now.
I just need to make it to the end of this month; then I can think.
Last night it rained, and it felt like a real miracle.
